Sunday, January 27, 2019

The Boy I Love From Afar


I was strolling outside my home which looks more like a barnyard for some reasons that I particularly don't even like. It is just a shady yet small space for me and for my little family. I just cannot afford to pay a rent for much bigger property for our family to stay in the big city. However, I still love the environment though. There's a lake in front of our place. I sit there alone with a small book in my hand.

All of a sudden, my little boy shouted and cried in pain. I turned around to look at him, which I called Aryan. He turns eight this month on June.

"Aryan, what's wrong?"

"Mom!"

He shouted again. Like he usually does when he didn't get his Popsicle or candy and stuff like that. I sighed and rolled my eyes. Ah... my boy!

"Yes Aryan. I'm here. Mom just want to have a short break. Aryan, just go back inside."

At least I didn't lie to him. I told the truth. I just want to take some fresh air outside here and read a little. To comfort myself from all the struggles in this life and so forth. A catastrophe that occurred right after the incident making my life miserable. I still haven't forgotten him. The hassle in my mind has push me aside strongly and hesitantly. Sometime I didn't even know how to react in front of my children when they needed me. I am a terrible mother, I guess.

"Mom, what are you doing here?"

"Nothing sweetheart."

I answered patiently. But the pain in my heart seems not to be fading away. It is just too pain to handle. As I looked to his cute little face and his brown eyes which reminds me with a man that i loved not so long ago. That man. A tall, dark, handsome and have the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen in my whole life but he is now gone. Forever gone.

"Are you crying mom?"

Aryan came towards me, slowly and carefully putting his small hand at my shoulder. I shuddered.

"No, I'm not sweetheart. Why you did not listen to me Aryan? I've told you to go back inside."

"I want you mommy. I don't want you to be alone. Just like me."

His mouth twitched.

As he was saying that, my tears started to fall over again. I push him forward with my both hands to give him a hug. My book falls into the ground and I cried again. Think that I am really scared off. I just don't want to be weak in front of my children. I wanted Aryan and his sister, Amani to see me as a good mother. Not even once I dare to see them painfully looking at their mom like this. It is a total heartbreaking.

"Aryan, no matter what... mommy is here for you. Mommy will always stay strong for you and your sister okay?"

"Alright mom."

He answered with a smile in his face.

I cupped his face and kissed his forehead. I saw a picture lying on the ground and picked it up. The picture of my late husband. The man that I loved. A picture that I'll always bring it along with this small book whenever I go. It such a comforting and the only thing to do right now. He is still a teenager in this picture.

He looked all saints... that's not even the reason why I'm falling to him in the first place and even until now. It is just because it's him. The boy I admire. The boy that I love from afar. We knew each other for a very long time. He was once asked me. How did I fall in love with him? I don't know how to answer that. I'm sure he knows the answer. We've been married for ten years and why in the hell he still ask those repeatedly?

"Mom, where is dad?"

Aryan noticed the picture in my hand. Of course, he's still remembered his dad. I always told my kids about their daddy. Before going to sleep after reciting Surah Al-Fatihah, we prayed to God to forgive him and may he rest in peaceful. God, how I missed him so much!

It's hard to move on and let go someone that gives you so much to remember.

"Aryan, did you see that moving cloud above?"

"Yes mom."

"Do you think daddy's up there?"

"Yeah, I think daddy is smiling and looking at us right now mom."

I smiled and took his hand.

"Yes it is. Come baby. I'm going to cook a perfect meal for us tonight."

"A spaghetti for me?"

I nodded.

"Right, a spaghetti with meatball and delicious bolognaise soup for you honey."

"Yeahh!!"

He raised his right hand and started to shout again. He kept running towards our home but this time in a much happier way. I followed him.

"Careful honey. Watch your step!"

I rolled my eyes over again. I laughed when he suddenly bumped onto the front door because he kept running while his eyes all over me. My boy!

From that moment, I promise to myself. I'll never walk out from that door without even thinking of my kids ever again. My kids are my life now. And my late husband is my everything. He is the epitome and good example to our children. I hope someday they appreciate the value in life as they've learnt something from our loss. Our past.

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